"to have found God and to still pursue Him is the soul's paradox of love."
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If you have followed along my health journey this is for you.
I can't believe it has almost been a year since I had surgery to "fix" my Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome. The surgery was suppose to be the magic fix. But it hasn't been. I have not recovered as we had thought and hoped I would. Yes, food is going through. Yes, I have gained 10 pounds back after surgery when I hit my smallest weight of 97 pounds. But my body has still greatly struggled and it has continued to be a never ending fight. we haven't understood why I'm not just well already. my body should be happy now that foods going through. but it's not satisfied with that. I am in school right now along with baking and pastry chef, to be a nutritionist. nutrition is obviously a very personal interest of mine, and it has helped me understand my body so much more through all the struggles I have faced. It has also showed me why I am not completely well and why the surgery was not a magic fix. and it also makes me wish that this illness was deeper researched by health professionals. first off, before the doctors found out that I had SMAS (Superior Mesenteric Artery Syndrome), they thought it was my gallbladder causing all my problems because it wasn't functioning as it should. so they removed it. a perfectly healthy gallbladder. later, finding out I had SMAS it made perfect sense why my gallbladder along with other organs weren't functioning as they should because SMAS for better words stunted it all from working properly for a number of reasons. your gallbladder is what holds your bile so that when you eat a meal it is ready to dump the bile in to aid in digesting your food. bile breaks down fats so that they can be absorbed. fats feed your brain. a brain starved is not a happy one. and a brain starved can not communicate to your organs as it should. and can not work well in general. which made me suffer in deeper depression, not being able to focus or process, not able to handle situations as a normal person, feeling confused, easily over stimulated and the list goes on. it felt impossible to live a normal life. even going to church felt impossible to do because all the people and commotion and stimulation would tax on me so much it would take days to recover. when you eat the nutrients is absorbed through your intestinal wall. To remove the absorbed molecules and provide room for more to be absorbed a rush of circulating blood continuously washes rapidly underside of this surface, carrying the absorbed nutrients away to your liver and other parts of your body. so that basically means my surgery did little for me except making a way for food to pass through. SMAS doesn't just affect your small intestines but your arteries. It restricts proper blood flow to your organs especially your GI tract. SMAS restricts blood flow and restricting blood flow eliminates nutrition absorption. once you have SMAS there's no going back because in order to fix it, you have to have proper absorption and if you have SMAS you can't ever have proper absorption. yes, I am getting some nutrition. but my body won't ever be able to absorb nutrients as much and well as a healthy person ever again until Jesus comes and I am healed. we live in a sinful world. a place where sickness inhabits many of us. and that's okay. it makes me look forward to heaven all the more. many might say this is lack of faith on my part that Jesus can heal me. I believe full well that He can give me full health restoration but I also know that sickness is part of living here and I am content in knowing that someday He will heal me so its okay to fight now. I have accepted that perfect health is not something I can attain but I also know it won't stop me from learning and do whatever I can to help my body in this fight. I have accepted that every day is a battle, one most won't understand and thats okay. people might call me weak or that its all in my head. and thats okay too. none of this is going to stop me from living a full life. it won't stop me from pushing my brain to process and learn even when it feels impossible. like my momma, I was a born a fighter. and I guess thats why God entrusted me with this hard journey. I am content in the road He has allowed me to walk down. and I am content right where He has me. I trust He is holding me more than ever, and He always supplies enough strength to get through. God isn't just a God of the happy days but of the hard. He isn't just near when all is well but nearest when all is not. And I believe God is closer to me for walking through this journey had I not and for that, this is a blessing. trails are only how we view them. yes, they can feel so unbearable at times, it can be exhausting. at times they go on and on and we would do anything to make it all go away. but we can choose to let them grow us, we can choose to see God's glory through it. we can find a deeper side of Gods heart right in the middle of our darkest night. so if you are going through a rough time right now. if you are facing health struggles. take heart dear one, this isn't the end. and your happiness is not dictated on how healthy you are. fall into His arms and find the glory of His presence and love right in the midst of the storm. I can tell you, its far sweeter than you can imagine. He wants to give you something unexchangeable. something that will make you rise, with arms lifted to the sky, with a song of praise in your heart for what He has done. oh how good is our Father! and how greatly and well He loves us! He is holding you now. let Him put a sweet song in your heart. let Him carry this load.
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it's quite late but my heart is full and I can't contain it. oh what He has done! I must write these words to you. please hear me out. please hear my words, and know they are true.
I walk along, feeling the hot sunshine hit me and my heart feels as though it will dance out of my chest. I smile to myself and look up at the blue sky knowing He loves me. I can feel it. I can almost touch it, it's so real. I put my headphones on and turn on one of my favorite songs. the melody ringing in my ears, I can feel Him drawing me even closer. my heart can't help but worship for I know this is what He has done. gosh, I feel like my souls been awakened. something I've never experienced and I wish everyone else could too! we say we want to run this race. but when we reach a hill we get tired, we want to sit back and rest. or try to find an easier way to reach the prize. we lose the determination to win through all the hills and valleys the race covers. living is about the here and now. not yesterday and tomorrow. it's about being aware of His presence with you. about realizing that every breath is a miracle. every heartbeat is a gift. its about being unashamed. listening to a song and feeling it in your soul and dancing however you dance like...."no ones watching". it's about living in the joy you have right now and not worrying about if it's still going to be there tomorrow. taking every moment as it is. living is realizing the power you have to change the world. you heard me! you can change the world. you know how? because everything is a domino affect. you have an affect on one person, and they have an affect on someone else and it just keeps going. maybe it's hard to grasp this concept. take this away, how you treat someone or even interact with someone for just a few moments can do far more than you realize. make every little moment you come in contact with people to be something that will stand out to them. be human sunshine. you know how you feel when you stand facing the sun and you just close your eyes and feel it? it's amazing isn't it? try to be that for people. make it you're life to spread every smile you can, every kind, encouraging and supportive word you get a chance to. forget about who's watching, about how you feel or what they did or said to you while you were serving them their food or whatever it might be. just live to give its so worth it. living is feeling that overwhelming rush of His love flood your heart. it's standing in His presence and feeling His greatness. its realizing how small you are, but how big you are to God. and how much God wants to walk hand in hand with you. it's dancing in the light of His love. it's knowing it's storming outside but you're safe and warm cozy under His wings. it's living carefree as a child, giving Him all your worries 'cause, after all, you're not in control of anything. and He is a far better pilot than we could ever be. so why not smile and laugh? dance and sing. and worship and praise Him with our whole heart? oh come on, come on and dance and laugh with me. let's run faster on these uphills. and in the valleys lets look for all the flowers along the way. come chase His heart, His life with me. come on, let your soul and heart be free. dive into His love. you'll come out new. it will wash right through you and you'll come out revived. you'll feel the freedom. the release of the weight. let those burdens, whatever is weighing you down fall off your shoulders and tumble down the mountain. Jesus died so you wouldn't have to carry these burdens. don't let His death be in vain. friends, we focus too much on the valleys and hills. when we're in. a valley we wish to be on a mountain top forgetting the climb. every mountain has a top, an ending. so if you feel like you're climbing right now and you're not sure you're going to make it because it feels like you'll never reach the end: the top. maybe you're climb is rugged, and steep. and years long. you climb, lose your grip and fall back. you feel like your climbing the same spot over and over. there's sharp edges that cut deep and you're not sure if it will ever stop bleeding. they don't heal properly and they get infected, and the wound gets worse. maybe you have to cross oceans and like me, you're not a good swimmer and you start to sink. maybe you hit walls that seem impossible to climb over. oh but we are not ones without aid, without our Saviors promises of help along the race. He gives strength to endure, to get through and over every obstacle. He is the balm in gilead. He isn't just the source of healing, He is the healing. every hill has a peak. and an ending. through the cross, the great sacrifice and blood of Jesus, you don't have to carry all this weight. you can run this race light hearted. as it is said in Isaiah 40 verse 31, "but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." you can live as though you're soaring as an eagle. you no longer have to be weary! you no longer have to feel faint. He has renewed your strength! He has mounted you up on wings as eagles. this is my birthday month, I turn 21. as I sit on the porch listening to the birds singing I gaze into the blue sky. I replay in my mind the years of my life as those I'm skimming over the pages of a book, I trace the lines of events with my finger. periodically stopping to look a little deeper. everything poses a lesson. the painful, the good. they all taught me things. we might not always understand why some things have to happen, but if we allow it, it can always teach us something good, help us grow and blossom into a more beautiful person. yes, some things damage our hearts, but we can rearrange that damage into something beautiful. instead of letting the damage fester and become more ugly. being sick has taught me not to take feeling good, having energy, not feeling bad after a meal...basically health for granted. you don't realize how huge it is until you lose it. I feel like I never had a full teenage life because I never truly got to experience what it means to feel youthful healthiness, the energy and a good working brain. and thats something thats been really hard to accept because everyone my age, heck even people a lot older, don't get. they don't know what its like even with their best intentions. but it taught me to be more understanding and sensitive to other peoples struggles. its created a soft spot in my heart no one who's never struggled so much physically will ever understand. being sick for almost 6 years taught me endurance. it taught me to keep fighting no matter how pointless it feels. it raised a warrior inside of me, built strength through battles that felt impossible to get through. health problems resulting in having an eating disorder taught me that I am strengthless without Christ. that without His transforming power I can't overcome anything. that a healthy body has a huge affect on our brains and the things we struggle with. for it wasn't caused by self image issues or lack of self control on my part, but literally because my body thought it was (and it was haha) starving to death so it sent out all these weird chemicals that told my brain it had to eat everything in sight all the time or it was going to die. it taught me not to take having a good relationship with food for granted. almost dying multiple times taught me that I'm but a spec in sight of the universe, and time on this earth is but a moment. we are all burning candles and none of us know when our light might get blown out. it taught me not to take every day that dawns for granted. every breath I breath is a gift I hold no control over. I learned to cherish something so simple. suicidal depression first showed itself when I was 14 years old. that is a journey of its own. but it taught me the treasure of joy. the blessing of carefree moments. I love to see people smile, and watch their eyes sparkle. it is truly special. it taught me to cherish moments when I feel like dancing. it taught me that rain is beautiful too, and that you have to climb mountains if you want to see the beautiful view.... it taught me to feel so much deeper. to care so much deeper. it put a burden and ache in my heart for every other person hurting. I walk through town and I look at peoples faces and I can see pain in their heart and I wish I could just hug it all away. it taught me invaluable lessons that I wouldn't trade for anything. I learned of the strength thats been built inside of me through all I've been through and the power I hold through Jesus. it's grew me up. matured me faster. it gave me a better understanding of the agony that Jesus went through for me. losing friendships that deeply mattered to me taught me to treasure and cherish people while they're around. to love their quirks and differences, for thats what makes us all unique. it taught me who I am, just me without other people. that its okay if someone decides to keep walking through life and leave me behind. that I have my own journey and purpose. harsh words said unkindly to me taught me who I don't want to be. it brought up a desire to speak more and more lovingly, gently, and sweeter words everyday. it taught me what affects "innocent" comments can have and why the Bible says to be slow to speak, and bridle your tongue. not feeling accepted by others made me want to make everyone I could feel loved and accepted. that each of us are special and deserved to be valued for the person we are right now. being put down taught me the importance of encouraging, pointing out peoples little victories. It taught me not to look at someones flaws but focus on who they are right now in all their goodness, and all the potential they have down in their heart to become; to speak kind words believing in who they are becoming. to cheer people on and support them. running through so many dark nights taught me to lean hard on Jesus. what it means to truly believe in His goodness when I don't see any sign of goodness for even months. it taught me what it means to exist and I look at the world differently. how much this world isn't my home and I'm just passing through. I could go on and on about occurrences and what they have taught me but the point is this: everything can teach us something good no matter how bad it is. when we choose to let it make us more beautiful, to place it in His hands for Him to do the work, we take control of it and it no longer has control over us. don't walk through struggles and pain and come out less or the same person. come out better. believe that on the other side of this you will be far more beautiful because of it. when you place it all in hands of God, that is the only out come because God uses everything for our good. you are growing. you are blossoming. you will come out stronger and more beautiful than ever before. you know that lie that you can't be good without being perfect first? the one we know isn't true but then deep down still believe?
it hit me the other day that I had cradled that lie in my heart. I had let it have a piece of control. every failure, small or big, had the power to crush me. for every little mistake screamed, "you're not good. you're not a nice person because you just spoke too harshly or impatient. you're not worthy to be loved because look how much you fail. you won't be good enough for anything until you reach that..." and thats exactly where Satan wants us. those are his lies he screams inside our heads, and sometimes we don't even recognize it until its ruining us inside. and the more he screams it, the more we believe it and the more impatient and frustrated we become. and that was me. I hated myself because I wasn't perfect. I pushed people away because I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved by them because I failed....to be perfect. tears swell in my eyes as I write these words. for my heart aches and breaks for every other person who has unconsciously cradled this lie in their heart as well. I am here to say that you are good. your mistakes don't measure your value. you don't have to always be so strong. its okay to hurt and break sometimes. give yourself some grace. Jesus loves you so incredibly much just the way you are, and if others don't, that is okay! It doesn't lessen your value, it doesn't make you any less of a good person.. come to His arms with all your rags and bruises. let Him cover you with His healing blood and clothe you with His robe of righteousness. oh dear soul, you will never be perfect. stop trying so hard. put those lies in the grave and walk away free; Jesus died for this! the only thing good you can ever hold is His love within your heart. let that be where your goodness and value flows from. you'll never be truly strong unless you let Him be strong for you. He is ready with arms wide open, you'll never be hugged by gentler arms or held so tightly and securely. you'll never be so loved and accepted as you will within His heart. "as many as received him, to them gave He power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on His name." - John 1:12 "for everyone that thirsts, come to the Water of life" and you will find healing. Women of proclaimed faith. where is your devotional life? are you living prayerful? where is your mind focused? where is your modesty? are you focused on being liked, on fitting in? to whom do you seek to belong? what is your spirit? one of love and compassion? Oh where is true womanly godliness.
Girl, don't you know who you are and who you're meant to be? Haven't you found out that this worlds got nothin for ya? 'Cause it doesn't. Nomatter how glamorous Satan might show things to be its only leaving you lost, broken and empty. The world tells women that they have a right to flaunt their bodies, their attitudes, and "confidence". That they have a right to dress however they please; they shouldn't feel as those they need to hide their bodies. That they should be overly confident, self relied. You know it all. It's screaming everywhere you look. Well let me tell you. As "wonderful" as that kind of woman might seem, that is not who God calls you to be. He calls you to protect, respect, cherish and value your body as a beautiful creation. Sacred and special. Something that should be valued enough not to be flaunted. Your value is not how hot and curvaceous you are. You are so much more than that. You long to be valued for who you are, but you're hiding away your value by flaunting what would be better hidden. I know there's a deeper issue. and maybe many deeper issues. but the only solution to that, the only thing that will be a true remedy is chasing the covering of His love. He can heal those wounds. He can satisfy those longings and insecurities. Oh the value He places on you is unmeasurable and He longs for you to embrace your heavenly identity and value. That confidence and show of confidence the world tells women they should have is a lie. It is self focused and proud. God calls us to a quiet confidence only rooted in Him. True confidence is gentle and silent but far more powerful. Short devotionals and quick prayers are not enough. You are called to be women of whole heart searching of His word. We should be throwing ourselves daily at His feet, reaching moment by moment for His garment that we too might be healed from the sins and damage of this world. We are called to be women of prayer. with arms stretched out, faces to the ground offering everything into the loving hands of our savior. Our lives should be ones of daily concentration. Each moment of everyday should be one of surrender, of heart wide open that His channels of love flow continually into our hearts. You are not to be independent and self relied. Yup you heard me. You are to be dependent and rely on Christ. You are nothing without Him. You are either filled with the things of satan or the things of Christ. You can't have a mix of both. You can't afford to be independent or self reliant. Fully depend on God, for it's only in Him you can rely. Seek to cultivate a quiet and gentle spirit. A heart overflowing with love and compassion. Practice being slow to speak; guard your tongue to speak only things you would hear spoken in heaven. Seek daily to lay self down on the alter, and put others joys and happiness above your own. Only through the love of Christ can you be empowered to be the women God purposed for you to be. Only in devoting everything to Him, laying down on His alter of grace that He can flood your heart and transform it. It is not something that comes easily. This is not Satans wish and He will do all He can to keep you from what you were purposed for. But do not give up. The reward is far worth it. You belong to God. come back to His heart. let Him cover you with His love. let Him place His seed of love in your heart and watch it grow. let Him show you who He sees you as. Don't settle for the ways of this world. for what it says you should be or who your friends are chasing to be. You are so much more that.... We are called to live lives of holiness. Of holy purpose and devotion. "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10 |
23 | Wife | Servant of Jesus | friend | health enthusiast | animal lover | traveling | adventurist | music
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